When facilitating or coaching managers who are required to motivate others whilst feeling demotivated themselves, it is difficult to shake them out of their victim mindset. They often refuse to accept that there is an alternative.

It is difficult to gain acceptance for the idea that the problem we face is not 'out there', but created in our own minds. How we talk to ourselves (what Stephen Covey calls "finding our own voice") holds the key to being able to influence our own thinking. This is when we assume leadership for real change and find it easier to influence both ourselves and others from the inside-out.

When we come to the realisation that it is our thoughts that stop us changing, and our feelings prevent us from focusing on what really needs to change, we feel empowered.

Most of us tend to underestimate our capabilities. This is usually associated with levels of confidence and an ability to be open to new ideas and experiences. So many workplaces encourage people to think and act more logically and consequently less imaginatively and passionately. This holds us back from reaching our full potential.

To respond to our deeper, inner desire to make a real difference, to matter and extend our influence to the people and causes we most value is a matter of choice. Our problems are often not 'out there' but of our own thinking.

We do not have to be hostages to our past and our thoughts. We can choose to think differently. This is how we can influence our own attitudes and those of others.

People with the greatest influence over others will be seen to be trustworthy, confident and competent. They will be people of principle who can care about, empathise and communicate the feelings of others. They will be good thinkers and will be able persuade others of a particular point of view.

By working on those things that are within your ability to influence, you can become a real change leader in any situation. Ask yourself, what is the best thing you could do under the circumstances.

As Stephen Covey reminds us by expanding our circle of influence we can reduce our circle of concerns. We can achieve this by taking the initiative to apply vision, discipline, passion and conscience to our thoughts (mind) and actions (body). Mind and body are connected. What happens in one part will affect the other parts. This is important when you come to develop a climate of rapport.

Rapport is a form of influence. It usually doesn't need much conscious attention as it comes naturally when you seek to match the other person, matching their pace, lead, values and body language.

To accept feedback that is meant to be helpful and not critical, the right conditionsare crucial. A good rapport plays a major role. This involves being open and honest, making good use of time, showing initiative and offering relevant and up-to-date ideas. You want people to feel at ease with you.

The words you use are also important. Use the language and metaphoric expressions of the other person. Even sighs, coughs, stance, touching, hand movements and nodding can play an important part in getting a strong rapport going. After a while you will be able to 'read' other people's ways of thinking and whether it is stimulated by the visual, auditory or kinestetic senses.

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